Because of God

I am writing this in complete transparency in order to solve and release the problem that came up for me today. My husband and I were talking about our reltationship, we talked about trust, truth, honesty, etc. Somehow my mind goes back to original experiences, which is a blessing, it speeds up the process of getting to the bottom of things. BUT I found myself emotionally back in the skin of my newleywed self.

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT talking about the current state of my marriage of or my husband or myself, this was a LONG time ago, and frankly was rooted before I ever knew my husband.

I got married prepared to be very available to my husband for physical intimacy ,but for some reason my husband seemed to be the only newleywed man who was not nearly obsessed with his wife. I was prepared and READY for obsession, I was NOT prepared for his willingness to take it or leave it. To my horror *I* was completely resistable. Turned down repeatedly I found myself finding the cutest possible ways to ask for it. My husband had no idea I felt like I was BEGGING for it. I wanted to connect, I wanted to be close, and I wanted to feel valuable, loved, and beautiful.

I spent a long time in my marriage feeling unappealing, unattractive, and thankful that my husband had taken me. I got good at asking for validation and figured out by watching TV and reading books and magazines that if I played hard to get and asked for it less, he might ask for it more...........sortof. BTW, he never knew I was experiencing this until we'd been married about 10 years.
AND I REALLY REALLY WISH I COULD BLAME HIM FOR ALL THE PAIN I EXPERIENCED!

*BUT* If I am honest, I felt all that pain long before I was ever married, I had just assumed that being married, having a husband to compliment me and desire me physically would fix it all. Thank GOODNESS he was honest and true to his own feelings.

The story really begins in my childhood somewhere, I could say that it was because I was the youngest and felt inferior to my older sister, I could say it was because I watched movies where the girls with brown hair and green eyes were the second best girls next to the blonds with blue eyes. The truth is that it doesn't matter where it came from, I simply saw myself as second best. Before I ever knew my husband I had several relationships with boys where I KNEW I was only there until they found someone "better" or until the girl they REALLY liked became available. I even had a horrifying conversation with a guy who admited that he was trying to "pass me on" to his friend. Eew.
I was hoping that my husband would wipe out about 15 years of insecurity and self-doubt....no pressure, hon. :)

Truly, we have had a wonderful and active intimate connection for most of our marriage, but because I was wanting it to heal me.......I saw it through poop-colored glasses.

My husband is dumbfounded when I talk to him about the way I have felt and the way I have seen our relationship. He never saw me as unattractive, and can honestly point out the proof that his behavior has not given me that idea. The way I felt was very real, but the way I perceive was skewed.

So how do I fix it?. Simply agree to have been mistaken, agree to let go of the pain I want to use as blackmail to get more validation (that I won't accept or believe) and accept that *I AM THE ONE WHO'S HURTING ME*, dismiss the voices in my head that keep me thinking I need someone else to validate my beauty, appeal and worth, and let it go, and call on God to help me. (Also, do a little energy release work to make it flow easier.)

"Physician Heal THYSELF!" comes to mind.

THEREFORE WHAT?

Once again, my feelings are my feelings and the hurt is mine. Mine to keep, or mine to let go of just as I chose. God has given me the knowledge and tools to do this. The truth about being a coach to others is that you will be given an ABUNDANCE of opportunities to learn what you know on a deeper level, over and over and over again, and sometimes you just WISH that this ONCE it could be someone elses problem, but it never is. But that is also the good news. If my feelings were up to my circumstances or my spouse....I would be forever in bondage to the choices of other people. Since I am accountable *I* can change it. I won't do it alone, and I can't, but God is not waiting for anything but my permission to help, because he respects my agency that much.

.........the next day:

As I looked over at my husband today, I felt the deepest, most profound gratitude for God in my life. Because of God, I can love when loving is hard and makes no sense. Because of God I still have a cohesive family unit. Because of God, I can look at a man I could hardly stand to be in the same room with 3 months ago and be MADLY, PASSIONATELY, DEEPLY, and WHOLLY in love with. Because of God I can truly be me and love myself enough to let go of expectations of others to meet my needs. Because of God I am whole.